This was e-mailed to my friends and family during the conclave that saw the next pope elected (Pope Benedict XVI). I was terribly excited and agitated. I even took Kate with me to the local Catholic Church to see what was going on in the chapel.
A note on Cardinal Fang. I having been calling myself this since I saw the Monty Python Flying Circus episode dubbed the Spanish Inquisition. One of my many nicknames.
Disclaimer: For those of you that are Catholic and are easily offended this
is done in fun. I have and have had the utmost respect for the recently
deceased pontiff . . .John Paul II. I hope he rests in peace and that the
Church has the foresight to elect another like him. Although the Italians
have a saying, ‘A thin Pope is followed by Fat one.’
As most of you know I have been saying for the past ten years or so that I would
be the next Pope. Unfortunately there seems to have been some oversight by
the Church and I have yet to receive a phone call from the Vicar of Rome
(Coolest title ever) that my Ascension to the high seat of the Roman
Catholic Church is nigh. I am also quite annoyed to not have received my
invitation to the Conclave. I am a Cardinal and I am confused as to why I
have not be invited.
For those of you who have not heard me go on at length about my Ascension
and plans for the Church let me enumerate.
1. I WILL be the next Pope. Although I am not and have never been a
practicing Catholic I believe that I am the ultimate choice for the Papacy
being that I would look very good in white robes, white Doc Martin’s (8 hole
please) and, of course, the lovely miter.
2. I will, at first, adopt the name Pope Paul 13. (Although I believe
there has already been one but who is counting).
3. I will create a new member of the Pope’s inner circle. The new title
will be Sub-Pope. The first Sub-Pope will be the honorable Mark N Di
Giovanna. He will be free to take up any name which he chooses. In case of
my demise (or when I need a vacation) he will take over as Temp Pope until
my glorious return.
4. After a fitting length of time as Pope Paul 13 I will retire because I
will realize the the 13 numeral is very ominous. At this time Pope Pete
(read Brian Christensen) will stage a coup with his shock troops and take
over the Vatican and the Papacy. His miter will, of course, be able to fit through any door.
5. After I come to my senses I will stage a glorious return and overthrow
Pope Pete. Non-violently. I will then choose a new name. I will be Pope
6. After my second coming as Pope there will be sweeping changes. First
and foremost I will be raising the birth rate of the Vatican to 1. (Please
no jokes about my second coming)
7. Henceforth the Vatican will be moved to Las Vegas. We will open shop
some time in the Spring of 2010. The new Casino and Resort will be named
‘The Vatican’. I thought about naming it ‘The Hellfire Club’ but I don’t
think that would be appropriate.
8. Henceforth I will have an army. Not those weeny Swiss guards with their
multi-useful knives but I will incorporate Pope Pete’s army as my shock
troops. Pope Pete with then be know as Herr Pete.
9. On an annual basis, The Vatican being relocated to the Nevada desert, I
will host the Papal Celebrity Golf Tournament and Fashions show. There will
be glitz and stars as well as the latest in fashion for the Pope.
I am sure that there will be other changes in the future but those are my
plans for the immediate future.
More to follow,