Beano

On Saturday night during our bath and bed routine The Bean did something very funny.  This is a case of Father and The Bean bonding too much or Dad teaching The Bean too much.  She was laying on the changing pad after Mom had administered the Lotion.  It is Dad’s job to put the diaper on and the PJs.  The Bean grabs her ankles and pulls her legs over her head (this is pre-diaper) and then lets one fly.  The Bean yells, ‘I FARTED!!!’.  She then proceedes to keep passing gas and yelling ‘I Farted!’.  Mom and Dad try and keep from laughing but it hopeless.  I turn my back and Mom has her head buried in her hands.  The Bean continues to pass gas and yell.  We all settled down and get to bed.

 This evenings bath is a repeat of last nights diapering.  She is standing up and running around the bath ( I know I am bad parent for letting my toddler run around the tub but after 4 days of disputes you will give up), passing gas and yelling ‘I FARTED’.  Or she would stop , bend over and let one fly.  ‘I FARTED!!!’  Very funny but not appropriate.

WHAT???????

Papal Permission to use Condoms!!!  I am shocked!!

 http://www.catholicnews.com/data/stories/cns/0606640.htm

Papal Elections II

Dearest Friends, 

Disclaimer:  For those of you that are Catholic and are easily offended this is done in fun.  I have and have had the utmost respect for the recently deceased pontiff . . .John Paul II.  I hope he rests in peace and that the Church has the foresight to elect another like him.  Although the Italians have a saying, ‘A thing Pope is followed by Fat one.’  

Unless you have been living in a cave for the past week you know that Pope John Paul II has passed on to the Almighty.  He left a lasting legacy.  Right now, in the Vatican, which is in Rome (for now), the College of Cardinals has gathered to elect a new Pope.  There was an oversight (I will forgive it). . . I was not invited.  That being said, I still believe that I will be the next Pope.  One of the items that the late Pope (henceforth known as ‘my predecessor’) left us was document or as he called ‘A Constitution’ on how to elect the next Pope. 

I don’t really much about how they elect the Pope.  I know it is shrouded in secrecy and ritual.  But, it seems, that my predecessor outlined how it should be done.  Which got me to thinking.  Why all the secrecy?  So when I am Pope I will leave my dicta on how it will be done.  It will be a new reality show . . . ‘Who Wants To Be The Next Pope!’ 

1.    The 4 major networks will bid on who will get to air the show.  Now I know you are thinking that Fox will outbid everyone.  You are probably right but in the interest in free trade and lassie faire economics I will let them bid.  All proceeds will go to me. . . although I will be dead.  OK, they will go to The Church. 

2.    I am thinking a mix between ‘Survivor’ and ‘American Idol’.  But I think that ‘Survivor’ will win out.  At first I was convinced that all humanity should get to try out and there would be a panel of Cardinals that chose the best 100 or so and they would be flown to Las Vegas.  Then they would be weeded down to 12.  But on second thought I think we will stick with tradition here and the College of Cardinals pick 12 or so deserving folk from the Church to then strive against each other to see who will become ‘The Next Pope!’  

3.    These 12 Cardinals will then compete against each other in various events.  Like Survivor they will get to vote who get booted.  Although there will be viewer vote.  Viewers will get to call in or text message their vote on who goes.  

 I have not really thought about what the events will be but seeing that the aggregate age of the probably popes this time around is like 70 they can’t be to strenuous.  Maybe, Bible bench press, sophistry, piety, and exorcism.  We will have to find some possessed people first.  But that would be very interesting.   

More later, 

Cardinal Fang

 P.S.   Responses are coming. . .  I am feeding and burping Alex right now!

Various Responses to Papal Election Vol 1

From Tom

This is great.  I was wondering when you were going to throw your hat in the ring……  the church will be much better when you’re pope.

Papal Elections Volume I

This was e-mailed to my friends and family during the conclave that saw the next pope elected (Pope Benedict XVI).  I was terribly excited and agitated.  I even took Kate with me to the local Catholic Church to see what was going on in the chapel. 

A note on Cardinal Fang.  I having been calling myself this since I saw the Monty Python Flying Circus episode dubbed the Spanish Inquisition.  One of my many nicknames.

Dearest Friends,

 

 Disclaimer:  For those of you that are Catholic and are easily offended this

 is done in fun.  I have and have had the utmost respect for the recently

 deceased pontiff . . .John Paul II.  I hope he rests in peace and that the

 Church has the foresight to elect another like him.  Although the Italians

 have a saying, ‘A thin Pope is followed by Fat one.’

  

 As most of you know I have been saying for the past ten years or so that I would

 be the next Pope.  Unfortunately there seems to have been some oversight by

 the Church and I have yet to receive a phone call from the Vicar of Rome

 (Coolest title ever) that my Ascension to the high seat of the Roman

 Catholic Church is nigh.  I am also quite annoyed to not have received my

 invitation to the Conclave.  I am a Cardinal and I am confused as to why I

 have not be invited.

  

 For those of you who have not heard me go on at length about my Ascension

 and plans for the Church let me enumerate.

  

 1.  I WILL be the next Pope.  Although I am not and have never been a

 practicing Catholic I believe that I am the ultimate choice for the Papacy

 being that I would look very good in white robes, white Doc Martin’s (8 hole

 please) and, of course, the lovely miter.

  

 2.  I will, at first, adopt the name Pope Paul 13.  (Although I believe

 there has already been one but who is counting).

  

 3.  I will create a new member of the Pope’s inner circle.  The new title

 will be Sub-Pope.  The first Sub-Pope will be the honorable Mark N Di

 Giovanna.  He will be free to take up any name which he chooses.  In case of

 my demise (or when I need a vacation) he will take over as Temp Pope until

 my glorious return. 

  

 4.  After a fitting length of time as Pope Paul 13 I will retire because I

 will realize the the 13 numeral is very ominous.  At this time Pope Pete

 (read Brian Christensen) will stage a coup with his shock troops and take

 over the Vatican and the Papacy.  His miter will, of course, be able to fit through any door. 

  

 5.  After I come to my senses I will stage a glorious return and overthrow

 Pope Pete.  Non-violently.  I will then choose a new name.  I will be Pope

 Peter II. 

  

6.  After my second coming as Pope there will be sweeping changes.  First

 and foremost I will be raising the birth rate of the Vatican to 1. (Please

 no jokes about my second coming) 

  

 7.  Henceforth the Vatican will be moved to Las Vegas.  We will open shop

 some time in the Spring of 2010.  The new Casino and Resort will be named

 ‘The Vatican’.  I thought about naming it ‘The Hellfire Club’ but I don’t

 think that would be appropriate. 

  

 8.  Henceforth I will have an army.  Not those weeny Swiss guards with their

 multi-useful knives but I will incorporate Pope Pete’s army as my shock

 troops.  Pope Pete with then be know as Herr Pete.

  

 9.  On an annual basis, The Vatican being relocated to the Nevada desert, I

 will host the Papal Celebrity Golf Tournament and Fashions show.  There will

 be glitz and stars as well as the latest in fashion for the Pope. 

  

 I am sure that there will be other changes in the future but those are my

 plans for the immediate future.

  

 More to follow,

  

 Cardinal Fang

A Great One Passes

Friends,

On April 2, 2005 Karol Józef Wojtyła i.e. Pope John Paul II passed away.  He was the only pope I had ever known.  I remember the Pope Mobile and the assignation attempt.  I also know that he was a fairly progessive pope and reigned a long time as the Vicar of Rome (very uncommon).  I also know that there was and is nothing the Pope can really do to change the century old thoelogy of the RCC.  Popes are the Shepards of the Flock not the owners.  It was a truly a sad moment in History. 

All that being said I decided at that moment to stake my claim (unsuccessfully) to the throne of the RCC.  The next few posts explain my thoughts and reasons for being the ‘Next Pope!!’  Enjoy

 

P.S.  I will posting these as they were written.  There are some historical errors but they still were entertaining.

The Beginning

class=”MsoNormal”>Hello . . .  My name is Joseph Cunningham but most people call me Jay.  I am an electrical engineer who is unemployed having been laid off by the company formally known as HP.  I was notified of my impending departure on September 1, 2005 and my exit date was April 28, 2006.  I truly love engineering and would love to work in design.  However, those in power of hiring such engineers are more in favor of hiring folks that have experience or have a post graduate degree.  I have neither so will not be working as a design engineer any time soon.  Meanwhile I have worked on expanding my family. 

On Halloween 2004 we (my wife the Goddess of Rain a.k.a. Talaya and me) welcomed our first child, Bean into the world.  She is now my constant companion and attachment.  On November 16, 2006 we ushered into the world Sprout. . .my baby boy (more on this later).  This makes my Unit number 6 . . .Three cats ( Jack, Newman, and Chloe), 2 kids and a wife all cohabitating in a 3 bedroom apartment in Petaluma, California. 

Other interests include gaming, reading, sports and the Papacy.  Which leads me to the focus of this blog.  I will posting on a semi-regular basis on the following topics:  My family, the state and doings of the Papacy, sports and from time to time a basic rant.  So if you are an immediate member of the family you can check here for updates on Bean and Sprout.  If you are interested in what the Vatican is doing and how I see it then check here too. 

Finally, a note and an apology.  I have always been fascinated by the Catholic Church and the Papacy.  I am not a Catholic.  I am an atheist.  My religious background is odd.  I was baptized Methodist but we did not do too much Church going.  I went to Foothill Christian School whose affiliation was Assemblies of God.  Religion was beaten into me and as a young person I bought into it lock, stock and barrel.  I then went to high school and I discovered Science.  Somewhere in my late teens I became a born again Agnostic and then fell into the Hearsay of Atheism.  However, I always thought that being Pope would be the greatest job in the world.  You get to where the Miter and wear white 8 hole Doc Martins.  Excellent.  Plus you get to live in the Vatican.  A country inside a country.  What you read here about the Papacy and the Vatican is meant to be in fun and make you laugh or entertain you.  If it offends you please go elsewhere and don’t read this blog anymore. I am not going to stop.  If you like it . . .then read on.